Marriages are going down the drain at an alarming rate. Many of those that seem to be surviving are fraught with terrible tensions and anxieties. Thus, it seems foolhardy on my part to sing the praises of what some people refer to contemptuously as “an institution.” Yet, despite all this damning evidence, I still believe that the marital relationship can be the most profoundly satisfying of all. And there are more than a few happy couples who would agree with me.
Marriage can be the most beautiful friendship imaginable, embracing two human beings in their totality, i.e., in both body and spirit, a friendship that expands and deepens through time. An enduring relationship can, of course, begin with a powerful sensual attraction, and it often does. As my late mother once said when referring to a cousin of mine in his thirties who married a girl of seventeen: “It might have been sex that attracted them to one another. Some people go for it, you know.” However, a marriage founded primarily on sexual gratification will rarely last. It will burn swiftly and brightly like a fire of straw, and then burn itself out. To attain longevity it must involve the heart and mind far more than the body, and the first two must dominate, as they do in any authentic friendship. They will provide a solid undergirding for the relationship. They will enable the two partners to create an enduring commitment to one another. And, as strange as it may seem, it is this commitment that will always recharge the couple’s erotic batteries.
At this point, a skeptic might ask: “What about problems, conflicts, clashes of wills, even crises between the two individuals?” There may be lots of these, as is almost inevitable in any long-term relationship. My late mother-in-law once said that every marriage worth its salt has a few really good fights. But I maintain, however paradoxical this may sound, that all of these hardships that can bedevil a marriage can also strengthen it immeasurably. The couple should see in conflicts the opportunity to pool their resources in order to re-establish the harmony between them. Facing daunting obstacles and overcoming them together is part of the adventure of life. The more they succeed, the deeper their relationship becomes, and, consequently, the stronger the love they will feel for each other. Marriage is a work in progress; the more you contribute to it, the more beautiful it becomes. Or, to use another comparison, love can be a magnificent bonfire, but it is a bonfire that has to be fed constantly, otherwise it will peter out.
Naturally, the couple will change during the course of their marriage, just as all of us change during our lives. The important thing, though, is for both partners to remain flexible enough to accommodate these changes in each other’s personality. In a sense, the two people involved in a marriage have to choose each other again and again during the time that they live with one another. But there is nothing to fear from this kind of change. Renewing their commitment to one another will revitalize it.
Now please understand. I am not minimizing the dangers that any marriage can face, nor am I denying that some relationships become so distended and debilitated that they simply cannot go on. The important thing, however, is to give your marriage your best shot. If you have chosen well to begin with and agreed to fight hard for what you believe in, there is every reason to hope you will be amply rewarded.
I look forward to chatting with you again within the next few weeks.
Why So Many Marriages Fail
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I promised you my thoughts on marriage, and now I shall deliver the goods. It is not necessary to be a keen observer of the social scene to realize that the marital relationship as we know it is floundering and, in many cases, sinking. The divorce rate is astronomical and shows no sign of slowing down. Intelligent and experienced people rush into matrimony with the loftiest expectations only to file for a divorce less than a year after pronouncing vows of fidelity. I know of one lovely young couple that seemed to have everything going for them: sharpness of intellect, warmth of heart, willingness to make a commitment, and even idealism. Yet hardly had they settled into their life together when the husband wanted out. “It’s not what I expected,” he declared. Unfortunately, his reaction is not the exception that proves the rule. It has occurred again, and again, and again.
What is wrong with all these people? Part of the problem may be the fierce individualism, even selfishness that our society has instilled in the younger generations. (Being 71 years old, I cannot claim to belong to them.) The minute there is a conflict, the reaction is often: “I don’t have to take your crap any more. I’ll be better off alone.”Young adults are no longer restrained by the stigma of divorce. Divorce is now so common that it has become a fact of life. In the past, married couples plagued with all kinds of unresolved tensions would simply sweep them under thecarpet and continue making do. Now people just close the door behind them, seek out new partners, and often go through the same cycle again, having learned nothing.
Another reason for the divorce rate, I believe, is exaggerated expectations. My children’s generation has grown up with frozen food, a boon to harried homemakers but hardly the epitome of haute cuisine. When in a hurry, you just pull out a ready-made dinner from the freezer, shove it into the oven at the designated temperature, and in less tha nan hour you have a ready-to-eat meal. Unfortunately, too many young adults tend to view human relations in this way. If an experience does not provide them with instant gratification, then it is unsatisfactory. They will view their marriage as a failure. It rarely occurs to them that dealing with another individual implies all kinds of complex issues. Life simply can’t be reduced to the size of a dinner gulped down in front of a TV screen. Building human relations takes time and effort. If you are unwilling to invest your energy into them, you will ultimately be left with nothing but disappointments.
But even when newly married couples try sincerely to see beyond the mirage of instant gratification, they can fall victims to another deadly illusion: the belief that two unhappy solitudes will constitute one plenitude. A commentator on the Discomfort Zone website said it in another way: “My observation of most marriages (or inseparable couples in general): two people stubbornly believing in the mathematical formula that two minus give one plus.” Too many young adults believe that simply by linking their destiny with another human being to whom they may feel attracted will automatically bring them fulfilment. Obviously, their multiple hang-ups will not be dissolved magically through marriage. On the contrary, there is every reason to believe that their problems will be compounded. Many characters in my novel, Getting Enough, are bogged down in this dilemma and, of course, their relationships go down the drain. Their illusions about being married are their blind spot and, not being able to foresee what is in store for them, they head right into a wall.
So what is the solution? I’ll attempt to offer one in my next entry.
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